11/21/2018: Expectations Around Change

Over the course of my career (whether it is in my role of speech pathologist, neurofeedback practitioner, or coach) I have had to help people manage their expectations around change.  We have a lot of thoughts around what change should look like, how it should feel, and what will happen as we attempt to get from our known “Point A” to the unknown “Point B”.

Most of our expectations are colored by our experiences of the past, and to some extent, our biology.  Humans desire stability and control.  When things change or become something we didn’t expect, it can be a very uncomfortable experience for us.  Often, we attempt to control that experience, which leads to further discomfort and suffering.

It isn’t enough to just say “be in the flow” or “release expectations”.  Unless you have experience and training around doing this, these types of statements aren’t helpful.  In fact, they add a layer of stress around the experience because now there is judgement around how we “should” respond.

Here are some tips for managing expectations as you begin the process of self-development work:

  • Accept that you don’t know what it’s going to look like.   While your experience might follow a predictable path similar those who’ve gone before you, what happens during the process is unique to you.  It is novel because you’ve never done this before.  Accept that your body/brain/consciousness may respond differently than how other people have responded.  That’s totally fine and normal!

 

  • Be ok with discomfort.  Learning something new is always going to feel awkward and uncomfortable at first.  But many of us have begun to equate “uncomfortable” to mean “something is wrong”.  We may think that there’s something amiss with the process we have undertaken or that the journey “isn’t for us”.  We might even go down the road of thinking that somehow WE are in the wrong.  The old stories that we aren’t good enough, smart enough, valuable enough, etc. to achieve our goals begin to appear.  This is where a therapist, trainer, or coach can help!  Someone outside of ourselves can see what we can’t.  They can give us guidance on what to adjust so we may move forward.  Or, they can give us feedback to help us self-correct.  Allow the helpers in your world to assist you and know that this is part of the process.

 

  • Embrace “Journey” consciousness over “Destination” consciousness.   Our culture is very focused on achievement.    We believe that our accomplishments make up who we are and we reinforce this mythology to each other on a daily basis.  But nothing can be further from the truth.  We already “are” who we are.  The rest of it is just a ride.  While there are benefits to achievement, it is helpful to see this part of life as markers on a journey, not the end result of anything.  Don’t forget,  there are little achievements along the way to attaining the big goal.   Many of my clients have to learn how to find those pieces of the process because they are so subtle.  Or, clients have it in their mind that anything other than their desired outcome isn’t part of the process.  But when we can see the little victories and accept the victories we had no idea were coming to us, the journey is much richer and more fulfilling.

 

  • Be prepared for a different outcome.  Many years ago when I was receiving neurofeedback from another provider, he shared some poignant wisdom right before he started our first session.  He said,  “When this is over, the things you thought you wanted won’t matter anymore.  And you will be able to achieve things that you never could have dreamed of.”  Truer words were never spoken.  The more I have trained, the more clearly I have been able to see myself and the world around me.  I have significantly dropped many of the ego-based desires I had and I no longer waste my time or energy on those things.  I have greatly increased my ability to love others, be present for them, and to love myself.  My goals in life are now totally different than I ever imagined.  None of what I have now was even in my awareness before I started the journey.  Now, I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world.

Be gentle with yourself as you make changes in your world.  Celebrate the milestones and forgive your errors.  Know that you will continue to do better and better as the journey continues.   Embrace the change you seek as well as the surprises it brings to  your life.  If nothing else, you will have a story to tell and a lesson learned.

Happy journeys!

~ManDee

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10/4/2017

I think that to a certain contingency of our population, victims of mass shootings (and violent crime in general) aren’t really people.

They aren’t people, because they aren’t someone the contingency personally knows. In the contingency’s mind, the people who died are still “theory”.

Sociopaths don’t see other people as people. Their brains don’t function in a way that allows them to understand this. But the general population can have a similar version of this brain malfunction as well. It occurs as part of the tribalism mindset, where someone who doesn’t look like me isn’t a human like me. Or it can occur when one is stuck in mythic consciousness, where one can treat another as inhuman as long as those in charge condone it. And that’s how we get stuck arguing about “theories” like, “Does everyone deserve healthcare? Or a living wage? Or due process? Or the right to attend a concert without being assaulted and killed?”

This is a brain function problem and a consciousness problem. And it is an individual problem leading up to a collective problem.

But, the only remedy is at the individual level. We have to choose, as people, to get our houses in order AND to be open to looking at the world through a broader lens.

A friend of mine always says, “You can’t scream for peace, you can’t shout for peace, you have to BE peace.” And a second friend always follows with “It’s just a decision.”

We are entering a time where that decision is upon us. We have to make it individually, no matter how uncomfortable or lonely it is. And, we cannot make the decision for anyone else.

It’s the only way this stops and something new begins.

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Corporate Wellness Problems

With the dawning of the New Year, many news outlets have been blasting corporate wellness programs for the shams that they are.  And rightly so.  Corporate “wellness” programs are a way for businesses to engage in the fraudulent behavior of claiming to help their employees and reduce healthcare costs while actually doing nothing at all.  Worse, in some cases they add to a culture of “un-wellness” in many corporate environments.

For example, when I worked for a company that required us to participate in a wellness program to receive a percentage off our insurance; I was repeatedly subjected to corporate sanctioned behavior that negatively impacted my recovery from an eating disorder.   For those of you that may not know this, eating disorders are never cured.  They are lifelong illnesses that are managed, much like alcoholism and depression.  Alcoholics often abstain from not only drinking alcohol, but even being put in situations where the temptation of alcohol could impair their recovery.  Diet talk (even when it is disguised as a “lifestyle choice”) triggers eating disordered behavior and can cause someone with an ED to relapse.  Our “wellness program” constantly pressured me to participate in “weight loss challenges” and “lifestyle coaching” in attempts to get me to lose weight.  As a result, I constantly relapsed with my ED until I no longer worked for that company.  This is just one, personal example of how “corporate wellness programs” are complete and total bullshit.

My story isn’t unusual.  Sometimes, the programs aren’t necessarily harmful, but they are ridiculously ineffectual.  For example, another woman I worked with had recently agreed to foster an 18 month old infant.  Because of this, she was unusually sleep deprived.  Guess what?  The program insisted she sign up for their “ insomnia program”.  The problem was that she didn’t have insomnia (which, BTW, should be diagnosed by a physician, not a computer generated questionnaire).  The “problem” was a temporary life circumstance.  But, if she didn’t participate in the program, she was charged more for insurance.

Another coworker began to struggle with her blood pressure.  Her doctor said that based on her readings, this was due to stress.  What was causing the stress?  Surely not the unreasonable demands that corporate had recently placed on her regarding revenue building.  Surely not the demands that she fudge the numbers to make the profit look bigger than it was.  Surely not the fact that every time she turned around she was threatened with being fired over not meeting impossible expectations!  How exactly was the “stress coaching” she received supposed to mitigate the damage caused by her employer? 

The fact is, these “wellness programs” are a symptom of the smoke and mirrors syndrome that plagues our culture.   Corporations like to put programs like this into place so that it looks like they are actually doing something to promote wellness, whether or not the programs are helpful.   It also keeps them from having to do the real work and expense of providing a truly healthy work culture.

We support smoke and mirrors when we don’t call it out.  Or when we “go along to get along”.  And then later, we complain when things aren’t working.   For many of us this is the result of fear and a desire to remain comfortable.  It is easier to ignore and complain than to hold ourselves accountable for our experience.

One of the hardest things we are asked to do in this life is facing discomfort and transforming our experience.  However, when we meet this challenge, our life and the lives of others are changed for the better in ways we can never imagine.  As we do this, others see the positive results of our journey and join us in our endeavors.  We are able to come together as voices of reason to negotiate better work situations for ourselves.  By taking our power back, we create our own “culture of wellness” that effective, reasonable, and rational.

It is hard to step outside of a culture of insanity.   We need each other to create a new culture of health, balance, and courage.   By changing our inner world it is much easier to come together and change the outer.  Take the leap and others will follow.

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Observations from the Middle

The recent presidential election has provided me with a lot of opportunities for introspection and emotional integration.  While most people in my circle view me as a liberal, the truth is that I really fall somewhere in the middle, embracing some aspects of libertarian-ism along with other aspects of progressive-ism.   This has given me an interesting opportunity to observe both sides of the coin, so to speak.

The commonality that I see from both the right and the left (especially on the extreme ends of these paradigms) is the need to control others.  We could go into specifics about how each group wants to exercise control, but this is not necessary.  The main point is that each group needs to get more “members into the fold”.  It needs everyone to agree and think alike in order to exercise power.

While common thinking extols the power in numbers, having everyone THINK alike is not what gives a group power.  The power comes from the individual members of the group deciding to work together, despite their differences, to achieve a common goal (fodder for another post).   Unfortunately, the common goal from both the right and the left is to create policies that make others do what the group wants. 

On the surface, this can create the appearance of a practical conundrum.  Don’t we need to MAKE people do stuff to achieve the “greater good”?  Don’t we need to STOP other people from doing things that harm?  Isn’t it our responsibility to make others do what we think is right?

 The spiritual answer relieves our conundrum.  We are only responsible for ourselves.  We are only in control of how we respond to situations.  That is it.

 Not only do we not have control over others, it is morally wrong to attempt to exert control over another’s experience.  We cannot make people do what we think is right.  We cannot provide a proper experience for someone else.  With that, we cannot keep someone from their own experience.

When we agree to not keep others from their experience, this goes for the “good” as well as the “bad”.  We allow others to make mistakes, fail, and even “sin” as they choose to do so.  We also allow others to stand on their own, take their own action, and make their own destiny.  We do not stand in their way or keep them from opportunity even if we fear that it keeps us from ours.  For when we fear that another’s success leads to our perceived loss, this is the indication that it is time for us to look inward at our own beliefs and perceptions of the world.  Finally, when we accept our responsibility for our experience, we invite others to do the same. 

 This is not to say that we are cold to the struggles of others.  When asked for help or guidance, we provide it (if we can) without expectation of the other person’s outcomes.  We support others when they ask for solidarity.  We express what we need and when listen when others express their needs.  We work together in community as is appropriate for us and as we are called to do so.  But it stops there.

Imagine what the world would look like if we were strong enough to stay out of each other’s way.  If we were integrated enough to not feel the need to hurt or control others out of our own anger, fear, and sorrow.  If we put all of our energy towards saving ourselves instead of co-dependently trying to save others.

I believe this is one of  the keys to making the world a better place for all of us.  How about you?

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Stupid Choices From My 20 Year Old Self

When I was twenty, I made some stupid choices.  No, they aren’t the kind of “stupid choices” you’re thinking of.  I was a good kid.  I never got in trouble.  I didn’t drink and my experience with drugs was only in relation to the gossip that surrounded the “bad kids” in town.

No, I made a different kind of stupid decision.  The kind of stupid decisions that are encouraged by our society.  The kind of stupid decisions that people are praised for making.  I made decisions based on pleasing my parents and fitting in with society.

At the time, I didn’t know any better.  I thought that following what my teachers and parents said, I would end up with a good job and a happy life.  So, I picked a career that my parents approved of because they thought it would bring prestige and money.  I gave up pursuing anything that made me truly happy because it didn’t fit in a little box.  I was told I could do those things as hobbies, never realizing that when you are an adult there’s usually no time and often no money for such things.  It lead me into an adulthood of extreme unhappiness.  And because the economy changed, the guarantee of a steady income and job security vanished.

As I look back on my time in my twenties, I can now see several reasons for having made the decisions I did.  I was completely disconnected from any kind of “inner knowing” or my Higher Self.  I had no sense of purpose other than I was supposed to earn money and make my parents proud.  The concepts of spiritual integration, connection to my true self, and making decisions from a place of response instead of reaction were completely unheard of.  The result was a very painful early adulthood which launched me onto my spiritual quest.

This quest resulted in the acquisition of various tools to change my experience, including brain training.  I make more conscious choices now.  I have learned to respond to my experience as opposed to reacting to it.  I am now in contact with my Higher Self on more occasions than not.   My life isn’t perfect, but I can definitely say that it is much, much better than when I started out. 

Maybe you’ve done this too.  Perhaps you have built a life around the expectations of others.  Or maybe you made choices that you thought would make life easier, but found out that it was not the case.   In any event, the best thing to know is that it is never too late to change.  The trick is to not keep choosing from those old places, fears, or desires.  The way to change your experience is to connect with your true self and make choices from that place.  You will be amazed by what happens.

 

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